To find who I am, and who I want to be.

One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart that you can't utter. - James Earl Jones

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By the time this gets posted, I’ll already be gone.
I’m killing myself tonight. I won’t say how or when exactly, but I will tell you why.
Because I’m afraid. Because I was abandoned. I can’t go through the hospital again. No one here knows who I am, and it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I’m grateful to my followers for being so lovely. I’m just letting you all know that I love you, and I would like to say goodbye.
Now for the bulk of my farewell letter. This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but to me it isn’t as scary as if I had to go to the hospital. That idea terrifies me. I can’t go there again.
I’m sorry I relapsed, mom. I’m sorry I was never good enough for you, and that I was always a disappointment. I hope you’ll be happy without me.
I’m sorry for everything, daddy, and I love you. I’ll always be your little girl and I know you’ll always hold me in your heart. I love you so much and I’m sorry for all the pain I put you through.
And Kyle, my baby brother, I’m sorry to you. I wasn’t a good big sister, and I wasn’t strong enough when I should have been. I know you have a good head on your shoulders and I hope you will use it. You are absolutely perfect and the girl (or guy) you choose to marry is going to be the luckiest alive. I hope you keep your chin up, don’t be afraid of living and loving, and don’t spend all your time checking if your parachute works before you jump. Sometimes the journey is worth the landing.
James, my love. This was a lot more than you signed up for. But I know you’re a real man because you stuck around through it all. You helped me when no one else would and you held my hand through some of my darkest hours. But these are some that I would not let the brightest light in my life see. You are too precious to me for you to have to be here at my end. I’m sorry for everything. I love you more than you’ll ever know. I always will. I’ll be looking out for you where ever I go. Don’t be afraid to be exactly who you are. You’re perfect and wonderful and the girl you marry is going to be so happy. I know it. I’m sorry I made you sad.
To my friends, don’t be afraid to keep doing what you’re doing, and stay true to yourselves. Brad, ask Carrie out. That girl is infatuated with you. Sorry it took me so long to say something, and I’m sorry I said it this way.
I would have one more person to write to, but I don’t. She abandoned me. She left me scared and alone. And I will never forgive her for it. While it isn’t her fault I’m ending my own life, and she couldn’t have stopped it, I wish that she hadn’t abandoned me. I loved her and trusted her more than anyone else and when I needed her the most she failed me.
I’ll never see any of you again. I’m sorry to whoever finds me. I’m so, so sorry. I hope you can forgive me and I hope you know I didn’t do this to hurt you. I did it to save myself.

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What a great friend. It’s really great. Have you ever had someone tell you that you could call them at anytime no matter what, that they would be there for you? I have. It’s only ever been one person, but I have. I needed her, so I called her. I desperately needed her and she didn’t pick up. And then the next day she texted me asking if I needed something. And all she could say was “I was asleep, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear it.” I’m going back to inpatient you stupid bitch. That was the reason I called you. I needed someone to talk to and you were the only person I could. And then you ignored me when I needed you. I get that it seems irrational. I get that I seem selfish. But I needed her. More than anything. She promised she would be there for me no matter what. She lied to me. I wish I could have cut her out of my life months ago, but better yet I wish I’d never met her, never started talking to her. She “helped” me, sure. But ultimately all she did was hurt me. I hate her. And if I ever speak to her again it’ll be to tell her she can fucking die for all I care. She means nothing to me anymore. I can’t believe she would do this.